Calvinball

[Jalathas]

The great iron maze stretches miles in every direction. Its walls are 100 feet high, and cut off abruptly a a huge portal, leading to the great empty space within the planes. Lost somewhere within this labyrinth is the Calvinball...


Jalathas sat up and looked around groggily. He was in a long, straight corridor, and he was certain he'd never seen it before. He felt paper in his hand as he leaned on it to stand up, and glanced down at it.

Have fun finding the Calvinball. Oh, and watch out for minotaurs.
Your friend, Benham

"Dammit, Ben," he growled, dusting himself off, "When I get out of here..."

[BugHunter]

The 58th level Ultra Lord Space General, Melvin, arose from his disturbed slumber to find that he was no longer in his fortress tower's bedroom with the silk lined bedsheets and marble covered floors. Someone had pasted a sheet of paper on his face which he angrily ripped off and read.

"Welcome to Calvinball, Lord Melvin. May the best man win.
hugs and kisses,
Benham"

Lord Melvin angrily tore the sheet apart. "CURSES!!!" He then summons a dozen panda lemmings which he keeps cramped away in his stash of 'pokeprisms'. "Go forth my minions and seek out this 'Benham' and tear him apart!!" The two feet tall creatures with space helmets obey their master. "If it be Calvinball, then so it shall be!" He pulls out his laser couger blaster and marches forward.

[Jalathas]

Jalathas was moving down the corridors, searching for the Calvinball, when a group of small, black-and-white helmeted creatures marched by him. They seemed to ignore him, so he decided he'd follow them and see where they were going. Three hours later, he realized that he had even less of an idea where he was than at the beginning. He let the strange things go on without him, and tried to remember anything he knew about mazes. "Hmm, maybe if I keep my right hand on the wall..."

[Fargo Squire]

Harold tended to sleep standing, and when he woke up, he just started walking. He found that even when he opened his eyes, he couldn't see anything, however, and soon ran into a wall. He reached up angrily to see what was obstructing his vision and found that there was a ridiculously large sombrero on his face.

"What's this doing here?" he mumbled.

Pulling the hat off, he looked inside and saw a slip of paper. It was blurred from the drool that had gotten on it, and from what he could read, it said "Have to find Calvin. Use your fiend hammer."

"My fiend hammer? How will that help me find this Calvin?"

As annoying as it was to wake up in a strange place with smeared instructions, he was used to it by now. Over the years he had gathered a strange lot of friends, and this wasn't especially uncommon. He looked around to see where this was, and decided it looked like a maze. Then, straight ahead, he spotted what looked like a small market set up along the passage.

He made his way over to one of the stalls, which seemed to be selling lamp posts and oranges, and looked at the vendor. It was a woman, but she had no facial features. He only assumed she was a woman from the extremely long hair and the lipstick smeared where a mouth might have been.

"Excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find Calvin?" he asked. Nothing happened. Sighing, he pulled his fiend hammer out. The woman's head suddenly exploded, and from the bleeding stump grew a new one, with all the usual features.

"That was unnecessary," said the woman. "Calvin is a ball, and he's over there." She pointed.

"Thank you, ma'am." Harold took off in the direction she had indicated, but soon found himself at a fork in the path, and realized she had ignored the walls and distance when showing him. He turned to go back to the stall, but found that the market was no longer there at all.

"Blast. This is getting annoying already."

[BugHunter]

"Who the hell put these monkey bars here!?" said the irritated space lord. As he proceeds to do the monkey bars, thoughts of different ways to rend the flesh of this Benham kept running through his head.

[Tassatul]

A single flashing red light blinked in the darkness, slowly at first but steadily increasing in speed. Suddenly, the machine behind the light lit up from the multitude of lights attached to its frame. The vaguely humanoid mech rose to its feet, delicately picking a slip of paper from the floor with metallic claws that could have tore through walls. Cameras focused on the slip.

: execute (read / interpret) $objItem [paper] :
: #desc - "Find the Calvinball. Destroy all others" :

The machine processed the information, deciding upon its next course of action. It was not sure what the Calvinball was, but it sounded as if it was important. Scanning the area, the mech decided upon a course and set itself in motion. Optical wires lit up, sending power and information through the metallic body. Pistons fired and steam vented as the machine gained momentum charging down the hallway. The Computer Deity was not to be trifled with.