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Post by BugHunter on Dec 2, 2004 18:03:26 GMT -5
 hey, I was gonna stop them.... *snicker* no really! I didn't read either story, so ha maybe later....
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Post by alys on Dec 2, 2004 21:23:39 GMT -5
Wow.... Y'all need to grow up.
Coral, your stories were based on really good ideas, but I just lost interest in them. The writing was too straightforward for my tastes..... I mean, I understand the irony you were going for in the second story, but the conclusion was very obvious and, therefore, kind of disappointing. With more fleshing, I think that both of them could be really great.
Heather, everyone kept telling me when I first came here that I was like your clone. It's nice to see that I take after such a good writer. Hopefully you will post more?
Bugs, if you want to be a decent mod, you have to be a little more mature than....
I mean you were all excited and wanted to be the Official Spaminator, but if all you're doing is aggravating situations that are already heated, then not only are you not performing the primary function of a mod (keeping order), but you're acting in the exact opposite way that you should be.
Bethel, I already told you this, but I figure that I'll post it in case anyone wants to agree or disagree or something..... I was not surprised. Sorry. I thought it was well-written, but some of the wording you used gave away the ending. Not to mention that that storyline has been done before..... BTW, wow, Lauren is a psychopath. Nice scene with the fish.
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Post by copyKatt on Dec 2, 2004 21:44:45 GMT -5
i would just like to note that this board is a little different than most boards, in the fact that we usually let people handle themselves... we mods usally dont go around telling people what do do unless its actully bad. like people are actully flaming and swearing and stuff. we like to beleive that the people here can take a joke without getting all huffy. but when push comes to shove, we can handle it. dont worry. thats what this smiley is for ---->  it makes everyone happy. i wouldnt mind making this an 'enforced' thread, btw. meaning stay on topic, becuase people actully seem intrested in the perpose of the thread and not side conversations. theres plenty of other threads to chat in, this is for writing pieces. if you dont plan on submitting or at least reading (*coughbughuntercough*) then you really shouldnt waste your time posting here. but anyway. continue. |
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Post by alys on Dec 4, 2004 1:52:52 GMT -5
we mods usally dont go around telling people what do do unless its actully bad. And, I appreciate that. But, you guys don't run around egging on people who are very emotional, either.... Anyway, no one's posted anything new in a while, so I think I'll just give you guys something new to complain about.... This is the intro to a story-in-progress that I may never finish.... Childhood Memories, Locked Away/I Thought I Saw Upon the Stair...“Momma took me aside and she tried to change my mind
she said, don't waste your time in looking
there's nothing, nothing left to find...”
(Pensacola, Joan Osborne) There’s a place, just between sleep and awake, where everything seems so real. A place where the darkness can take shape, stretch and move. Hold you, caress you, whisper in your ear. A place where the light dares not venture. It’s home to ghosts and spectres, angels and demons. And anyone who fears this place is lost, indeed. This is where I remember spending most of my life, hiding under the stairs in the basement. I can remember seeing myself, from a distance, eyes nearly shut. What was that? That noise... upstairs? I crawled up the stairs and peeked through the crack in the door. Mommy? Who’s there? The light shining from the lamp in the hallway, I see only dark figures, two of them. Daddy? Is daddy back? Is he– What was that noise? I remember wincing at the loud bang, confused. A soft thud and heavy footfalls. The door slammed. Mommy? I pushed the door open– Mommy? “Mommy? ... Mommy!!!” -------------------------------------------------- Short and... well, not sweet, for sure.  This is the unedited version because I don't have a copy of the edited version on this computer.....  And, it's not great as a stand-alone because there's a lot of foreshadowing that you don't get to see the fruition of.... Although, at this rate, you wouldn't see the fruition of some of it for 15 chapters and counting in the story, either.... |
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Post by Cobra5 on Dec 4, 2004 11:02:03 GMT -5
Oh man. Well, for those of you who had the fortune of missing the last writing thread, you'll say why they call me such a mean critic.
Coral's had a nice idea, but it wasn't a story so much as it was an idea for a story. Kind of like a story that was never written (which actually was written,as there is a book about the same exact thing). Perhaps it oculd be taken somewhere, but judging by your past stuff, I'm guessing you're just going to leave it at that. It should be, at the very least, a short story (your is more like... I dunno, a poem or something short like that), but it could definatly be taken a bit further. Make it longer, use diolouge (that's important), and descriptions. If you really want, throw some action in there. It's (very) hard to pull off in writing. But it can really do wonders for many stories, especially onee about war, like yours. Maybe some dramatic war scenes? Don't think its stupid or shallow to want to see some explosions or shooting. The point isn't to just think- that's just boring. You can't have too much action, either, as it'll just seem brainless or pointless. You have to find a balence.
Palla's story was not only exactly like very other story she has written, but there's pretty much nothing to it. I don't know how you can compliment her for being 'such a great writer' when she didn't even write anything. Its three, non-descript paragraphs, with no context, no story, no nothing, except telling us a person is depressed and has to take medication. Seems like 'just another depressed teenage sob story' to me, but then again, all of her stuff does. But, even compared relativly to your past stuff, palla, its still below expectations. At least some of your stuff has substance. And if this is just the start of a larger story, then its very muchly the wrong place to start. Don't leave us guessing all the way to the end of the story as to what exactly happened- that trick is old, and way over used. Besides, in these aformentioned 'sob sotries' you should always begin by telling what exactly makes the cookie-cutter depressed female teenager so sad- at least pretend to make her unique- so then the rest of the story can be about how 'pulls through' and how the obligitory best friend/nice boyfriend makes her relize she's so great and is a good person despite her flaws. The point of these stories is not to keep someone guessing- the only time you should ever do that is if the mysterious element of the story is not the main focus. Pretend that the reader will never find out about this 'unkown' and write acordingly- that will keep the book enjoyable. Otherwise, everything before your 'revelation' will just seem like filler text.
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Post by bogiethomas on Dec 4, 2004 12:50:22 GMT -5
thats deep man, real deap
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Post by BugHunter on Dec 4, 2004 15:21:42 GMT -5
Wow.... Y'all need to grow up. Coral, your stories were based on really good ideas, but I just lost interest in them. The writing was too straightforward for my tastes..... I mean, I understand the irony you were going for in the second story, but the conclusion was very obvious and, therefore, kind of disappointing. With more fleshing, I think that both of them could be really great. Heather, everyone kept telling me when I first came here that I was like your clone. It's nice to see that I take after such a good writer. Hopefully you will post more? Bugs, if you want to be a decent mod, you have to be a little more mature than.... I mean you were all excited and wanted to be the Official Spaminator, but if all you're doing is aggravating situations that are already heated, then not only are you not performing the primary function of a mod (keeping order), but you're acting in the exact opposite way that you should be. Bethel, I already told you this, but I figure that I'll post it in case anyone wants to agree or disagree or something..... I was not surprised. Sorry. I thought it was well-written, but some of the wording you used gave away the ending. Not to mention that that storyline has been done before..... BTW, wow, Lauren is a psychopath. Nice scene with the fish.  What the hey? A guy can't joke around anymore? Screw that, man. And I did say I was gonna read those stories later on... And did you see me speaking for Coral (even a little bit, and for once.... and without thanks...). Besides, I didn't think this whole thing was that serious to say "oooohh you got dissed", I mean, what the frell! I was just being another person chatting, for something little as this i didn't want to come out being all pointy like a stiff necked parent. And how bout I stick you guys and hold you accountable for every SINGLE stinkin thing you guys say and make sure you have no elbow room to be anything other than what you say you are. Like if you say you're stiff necked and like stuff being serious, then I'll make sure you never make a joke again. How bout that? would you like that? <-- yea, I'm using this face, that means I'm not really being peeved.......... -------------------------- There, I read the stories... happy now? friggin aye.... Yea, Coral's writing seems rather short. The first one to me looks like a piece of a story, like the end of one. The second one to me is kinda confusing how that turned out since there isn't anything else written, but yea, it does kinda look like a cliffhanger or a premise for a story, or maybe an intro to something. As for Heather's story...well I kinda agree with Will. This short story does sound like "just another depressed teen". I didn't see anything beyond what was written and it didnt seem like much anyway. I mean, no offense to you Heather (if you ever read this..) but what is going on here? I'd probably read on to find out this girl's unique story, otherwise I've seen this before. And why is it that all writers write dark stuff? Its like the thought out there is that if you want to be a great writer you have to write dark stuff? But the thing is, everyone is writing that stuff. I'm getting tired of reading the same stuff over and over. And I know some people experience this crap in real life, but come on people, how can you let situations get so bad? I guess the only positive effect I get from reading these stories is that they remind me of what I shouldn't be or shouldn't let happen or any other stuff. |
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Post by Cobra5 on Dec 4, 2004 19:32:29 GMT -5
Damn! I thought I was the only one who notices, bughunter! Really, its something I wanted to say, but didn't. I really wish people knew how to handle their own problems... becuase nobody seems to know how. Tch, they all think their problems are sooo bad, "Oh I have no friends" or "Oh, this person hurt me so bad". No offense to them, but you havn't seen sh*t. I've been having worse stuff happen to me since before I was even in school. It makes me sick that these people think just becuase they have no friends, or just because one person mistreated them that they get so obsessed over it and feel like they have no reason to live. Woh! that almost became a rant. Back on topic, will... Ok, I guess I'll post up some of my stuff. I was re-writing Soul Saber, earlier. Something I'm going to be continuing. Basically, I'm rewriting it, with much more detail, and only minor changes. I'm also going to be covering those times when we jumped ahead in time, for example traveling between towns and going to the demon cave. More or less, I'm going to try and fix all the things that we couldn't do as an RPG (since we had to limit our storytelling so everyone could have a chance). [edit] Ok, this stuff is totally unrevised. The way I write, I sit down in front of a keyboard, and just type what comes to mind. Then, I go through and totally rewrite all of it, to 'colect' it a bit more. But I havn't re-written these yet. I havn't even proofread them for spelling The entire ship continued to sway back and forth, even after it had docked. For someone as unfamiler with sea travel as Will was, it was dificult to tell if the ship had even stopped. "So... this is Northport?" He said, considering the view from his small window. Although, on the outside, he hated the situation Katt had gotten them into this time... but he'd be lying if he said he wan't excited about exploring the East. Their culture is so different. The very thought of meeting so many Easterners... it was like getting a chance to explore a whole other world... Which is saying a lot, for Will. He's been through just about anything and adventurer can go through in his four long years of wandering. Born into a nomadic culture of desert hunters, he's been traveling since before he can remember. They say he was the first of his people to go out and see the world, but Will knew that wasn't true. They just wanted to exxagerate the event... it dosn't happen very often, after all, and they wanted to try and make Will feel better. Or, perhaps, talk him out of it. He snapped himself out of nostalgia, a common practice, and looked over the city again. He's only seen one other Eastern city before, Midlam, so he had little to comapare Northport to in terms of size and construction. "The whole city is made of wood. Midlam was too... are they all like that?" "Yeah", Katt answered. "Why?" Will asked. He had some guesses, and she cirtainly wouldn't know any better then him, but he'd like to hear what she had to say. "Becuase they don't have forges that big, stupid", she answered, somewhat sarcastically. Katrina was four years younger then Will, and the two of them had been traveling for two years together now. 'Why?', Will would ask himself. 'Why do I travel with her?'. Her mischevious nature had gotten Will into far more trouble then he could remember, and it seemed that ever since the two of them had begun traveling alone that nothing but black cats had crossed their paths. Well, that's not entirely true. They had their moments... but it was still her fualt they were wanted across two continents. The sounds of shuffling above deck and the gangplank going down out the window confirmed Will's thought that the ship had indeed docked. He pulled his hood up over his head, and instructed Katt to do the same. She reluctantly obeyed. The two of them have been posing as smugglers posing as merchants. Nobody could see through two disguises, right? Will was actually quite proud of that plan, though Katt thought it was simply paranoid. The two of them went up the ladder to the deck of the ship. They were trying to avoid as much contact with the crew as they could- they spent almost the whole journey in their cabin, popping out for the food now and then, but keeping to themselves. It was a long, boring trip, and the sunlight would be a welcome sight. Of all the things will wanted to see the most, it was the sun. It was a subtle reminder that he was still living in the same world, that no matter what happened, no matter how mcuh trouble he got in, things would still turn out just as they always had before. Or perhaps, he thought, that it simply reminded him of home. The sun was always out, back in the desert. Will peaked his head out the door to greet the overcast sky. He laughed in spite of himself. "Man. Nothing can go right, it seems." He sighed. "I mean, even the little stuff like this," He gestured to the sky, "...This... we can't even have a blue sky." "Oh come on. Its just some clouds." She was being rather hostile about it. "You can't get everything you want." "Hey! I was just saying. You don't have to bite my head off for it." The crew was moving pretty fast around them. "Actually, you've been like this the whole trip. What's up with you?" They moved on down the gangplank so as not to get in anybody's way. Will didn't know much about sailing ships, but it looked like a lot of work, and he didn't want to interupt any of them. Katt didn't say anythingtill they got to the bottom and started walking toward the city proper. "I've just been thinking about the guards and... and all." She breathed a big sigh, as if to let everything out. "But I'm over it now. Those sailships... they're slow as hell, but they're so... I don't know... cute. Or..." She rolled her hand in the air, gesturing that she didn't know exactly what she was trying to say. "'Quaint'." Will finished for her. "You think they're 'quaint'. Old fashioned, but elegent." "Yeah. That's what I meant. The ride on that sailship calmed me down a bit." She noticed Will stopped listening. His gaze was fixed forward, and he gave a little gasp. Looking ahead as well, she couldn't say she wasn't at least a little impressed as well. The main street of Northport lie ahead of them, the docks just to their back. The city seemed to stretch on for quite a while. That was something Will remembered from Midlam... it was so wide. Probably becuase of the buildings- they were only one or two stories each, they really didn't get any higher. Yet the roads were crammed with people. Will thought it was so odd. "I just love it how they cram so many people into those tiny houses. I wonder how they do it?" Katt said, a grin comming across her face. Aperently Will wasnt the only one who had noticed. "Why don't we find out, hm? We'll need to find a place to stay, and keep all out stuff. Walking around with rifles and grenades might just give away our identity as Westerners." "Oh, you're just being paranoid again." She asnwered. It seemed to be a common answer to Will's suggestions. "They're not gonna go around, shooting Westerners on sight or anything. Eh... getting a nice place to stay for once wouldn't be a bad idea, though." "And I was just getting used to using rocks as pillows..." He replied, with mock disapointment. Katt laughed a little. "Yeah... It's not that I mind sleeping under the stars... but we'll be in the wilderness for weeks. Why not take advantedge of the city while we're here?" Their conversation went back and forth for a while as they walked down the street. The city seemed so devoid of color to Will- Evertyhing was beige, brown, or grey. What the people wore, the houses, the sky... even all the merchants. They didn't fly any of the colorful banners or strange symbols like they did in Midlam. Many times, Will was tempted to go browse through a magic merchant's wares, just to see the kind of stuff they sells. But his paranoia got the best of him, as usual, and he didn't want to give away his identity as a Westerner just yet. |
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Post by Cobra5 on Dec 4, 2004 19:44:41 GMT -5
The two of them continued walking down the busy main street for quite some time. The entire thing was a giant marketplace, vendors and merchants lining either side of the road, and a row going down the middle, too. There wern't many people on horseback, and those that were couldn't move much faster then everybody else anyway.
"Look, there's another" said Katt, pointing out another tavern.
"No... no, I don;t think that one will do." Will said, again. Will had a very specific picture in his mind of where he wanted to stay- somehwere without many people, where nobody would bother to check.
"You are taking this way to seriously, Will. We're half a fricken continent away--"
"Quarter of a conteinent..." Will corected. He's already heard this argument, but it did little to help his mood. After all, he's never been wanted for murder before. That's pretty serious.
"Whatever. We're way far away from anyone who even suspects us of anything. We might as well enjoy our freedom, finally! Its not like we don't deserve it already..
"Well, before you tell me 'oh, but this is serious' and 'this is different then all those other times' and 'fuh, fuh, fuh, blah, blah, blah', I'm going to pick an inn... hmmm... that one- that one there," She said pointing to a particularly crowded corner, "and ask if there's any rooms available."
And she ran off toward the inn, ignoring anything Will had to say.
"Excelent," Will said to himself. "Now, why was it exactly I travel with her...?" He began to think. Maybe she was right? They were a long ways away from Midlam, or the West. And communication around here couldn't be any faster then it was in the West, and they always managed to stay a step ahead back there.
To be honest, Will didn't really mind living behind a cloak, though. It actually suited his style quite well; he was able to watch and record everything he found interesting, without actually interupting it. That's what people like him did, after all.
He followed Katt into the inn, keeping to himself. She navigated around, and found a table. The two of them sat down, and talked a little as they waited to be served.
Then something occured to Katt. "You uh... you relize we have absolutly no money, right?"
Will shurgged. "We've been getting along just fine so far, right? So what?"
"So how are we gonna get rooms or drinks or food?" So far, they've been stealing- much to Will's protest- their way through the world, ever since they left the last band of adventurers they were traveling with. So... "Maybe we could just... you know..."
"No! No. Don't even start hatching any schemes or making any plans. Just... no."
"Oh, come on. This is the East! Do you see any guards posted around?"
Will looked around. "Well... no. But what does this being the East have anything to do with it...?" He thought to himself for a second. "We're not wanted yet? What, you want to get us convicted here, too? Please, let's just leave..."
"Oh, come on..." She repeated. "Its for a good 'cuase... and looma t these people! They're just spending it on booze. Booze! They can live without it." Will did think drinking was a big waste of money... "I mean... well, hey. I'll do this on my own. You don't have to be involved at all."
"No, Katt. No." But by the time he had finished, she had already pulled her hood up and moved towards the stairs. Will groaned and put his head down on the table.
Katt made her way up the stairs and toward the rooms. Though, on the outside, it looked as if she was just walking by, she was carefully checking each room for occupants. I small noise, a peek through a crack in the door, always when nobody was looking.
She found a room that looked empty, and there wern't any noises coming from inside. She slipped in and closed the door behind her. There wasn't anything readily apperent to be stolen.
...I was cut off there by the bell at school. So yeah, that's a bit of the intro. Next, if you don't remember, they flee town (to avoid being caught for stealing). However, Tanyu notices them and, in a drunken stupor, decides to follow them. They all end up bumping into (literally) Tass and Kal.
Obviosly, its going to be an ongoing project. There's a lot of story to cover, and I havn't even scratched the surface yet...
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Post by Deimos on Dec 4, 2004 19:48:38 GMT -5
reading that just put me through a memory lane drive by of the old WaDe thread...that's good stuff there
but...yeah...there's a LOT to that story...that whole first story arc alone would be huge if you gave it the depth it deserves, and I mean HUGE
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Post by Cobra5 on Dec 4, 2004 19:53:14 GMT -5
And that's what I intend to do. ;D Yeah, I have my work cut out for me, but now that I have no friends, I need something to occupy my free time. I mean, just re-reading that whole thread alone eats up so much time... One character I'm really going ot be expanding on is Tanyu. Bughunter did a very good job with him, but I feel like there wasn't much opertunity to present him in the original RPG. He's your classic "Good guy with a dark past" type dude, and a good one, too I think I'm going to leave Jenneva and Fighter out of it, no offence intended to either, but they didn't really seem to do much story wise... and they both just 'dissapeared'. |
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Post by Deimos on Dec 4, 2004 19:58:25 GMT -5
yeah, actually- I'd say that'd also work with the fact that the arc in itself- in a few ways - is connected to that mysterious past of his
...which just made me realize...does the current arc and previous (Lordsmith) arc, have/had any connection to any other characters...or Bughunter the only one so far?
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Post by Cobra5 on Dec 4, 2004 19:59:58 GMT -5
Now, the newest arc is connected to someone... but I don't think I'm supposed to tell.
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Post by Deimos on Dec 4, 2004 20:01:02 GMT -5
oh...heh...yeah, we'll play through to find out I suppose
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Post by palla on Dec 4, 2004 22:57:25 GMT -5
Palla's story was not only exactly like very other story she has written, but there's pretty much nothing to it. I don't know how you can compliment her for being 'such a great writer' when she didn't even write anything. Its three, non-descript paragraphs, with no context, no story, no nothing, except telling us a person is depressed and has to take medication. Seems like 'just another depressed teenage sob story' to me, but then again, all of her stuff does. But, even compared relativly to your past stuff, palla, its still below expectations. At least some of your stuff has substance. And if this is just the start of a larger story, then its very muchly the wrong place to start. Don't leave us guessing all the way to the end of the story as to what exactly happened- that trick is old, and way over used. Besides, in these aformentioned 'sob sotries' you should always begin by telling what exactly makes the cookie-cutter depressed female teenager so sad- at least pretend to make her unique- so then the rest of the story can be about how 'pulls through' and how the obligitory best friend/nice boyfriend makes her relize she's so great and is a good person despite her flaws. The point of these stories is not to keep someone guessing- the only time you should ever do that is if the mysterious element of the story is not the main focus. Pretend that the reader will never find out about this 'unkown' and write acordingly- that will keep the book enjoyable. Otherwise, everything before your 'revelation' will just seem like filler text. I did say it was an into piece. Of course there isn't going to be much substance to it. It doesn't have all of those cliches you were mentioning, either, though perhaps a few I'll admit. It might be similar to other pieces I have written, but it is different this time. This time it is real; it is the truth. No fiction will be here, so it will not be a story you insult, but a human being's life. |
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hey, I was gonna stop them.... *snicker* no really!
This is the unedited version because I don't have a copy of the edited version on this computer..... 
And, it's not great as a stand-alone because there's a lot of foreshadowing that you don't get to see the fruition of.... Although, at this rate, you wouldn't see the fruition of some of it for 15 chapters and counting in the story, either.... 
What the hey? A guy can't joke around anymore? Screw that, man. And I did say I was gonna read those stories later on... And did you see me speaking for Coral (even a little bit, and for once.... and without thanks...). Besides, I didn't think this whole thing was that serious to say "oooohh you got dissed", I mean, what the frell! I was just being another person chatting, for something little as this i didn't want to come out being all pointy like a stiff necked parent. And how bout I stick you guys and hold you accountable for every SINGLE stinkin thing you guys say and make sure you have no elbow room to be anything other than what you say you are. Like if you say you're stiff necked and like stuff being serious, then I'll make sure you never make a joke again. How bout that? would you like that?
